Not Everyone Deserves to Find Themselves at Your Expense

After years of working with individuals and families through my relationship coaching practice at Kajal’s Wellness Tree, I’ve witnessed a pattern that breaks my heart time and again. Genuinely kind people are being emotionally depleted by those who mistake their care for compliance and their compassion for a means to unlimited access. This isn’t just about setting boundaries; it’s about understanding the psychological harm caused by emotional extraction and learning how to protect your sacred energy, without guilt.

The Three Types of People Who Enter Your Life

In my years of guiding clients through relationship challenges, I’ve identified three clear patterns of how people engage in connection:

1. The Authentic Seekers

These are the rare souls who arrive with sincerity and self-awareness, their curiosity deepens connection, not depletes it. When they evolve, they lift you too, and their gratitude is quiet yet consistent; they remember your struggles as much as your victories.

In my practice, Authentic Seekers:

• Show up consistently, even when it's hard

• Do the inner work between sessions

• Implement the strategies we discussed

• Celebrate others’ growth without comparison

  
  

2. The Collaborative Builders

They are co-creators. They see relationships as shared ground, not feeding grounds. These people don’t just take energy, they bring it. They value mutual support, celebrate your wins, and offer their strengths without keeping score.

Collaborative Builders typically:

• Come prepared with clarity and purpose

• Take accountability for their patterns

• Follow through on commitments

• Encourage healing for others, too

  
  

3. The Opportunistic Extractors

These are the ones who leave emotional scars. They arrive with admiration that feels intense, but something feels off. They study your life, your methods, your language, your network... all to take, not to grow.

Red flags I’ve learned to trust:

• Over-the-top flattery followed by sudden asks

• Interrogative questions that lack warmth

• Conversations always revolve around their drama

• They vanish during your hard times

• Reappear when your light is shining again

  
  

What Emotional Extraction Is

Emotional extraction happens when someone continuously drains your energy without offering anything of value in return. It’s not always intentional, but it’s always harmful.

According to attachment theory and nervous system regulation research, emotional extraction often stems from:

• Early emotional neglect or trauma

• Fear of abandonment from inconsistent caregivers

• Transactional relationship models learned in childhood

• Hyperarousal or shutdown responses to connection

The Spectrum of Extractive Behaviour

Mild Extraction:

• One-sided conversations

• Slight emotional hangovers after interaction

• Infrequent reciprocation

Moderate Extraction:

• Emotional dumping without checking in

• Networking disguised as connection

• Ignoring your needs when you express them

Severe Extraction:

• Constant emotional crisis mode

• Mimicking your work, voice, or ideas

• Guilt-tripping or gaslighting when confronted

Extreme Extraction:

• Sabotaging your joy or success

• Spreading misinformation

• Turning others against you if you pull back

The Invisible Damage It Leaves Behind

Physical Signs

• Fatigue after specific conversations

• Tension in the body—headaches, jaw pain, tight shoulders

• Trouble falling asleep or staying rested

• Lowered immunity or frequent illness

Emotional Repercussions

• Doubting your instincts

• Feeling guilty for saying no

• Social burnout

• Quiet resentment is building up

Relational Impact

• Withdrawing from safe connections

• Losing trust in your judgment

• Feeling alone in rooms full of people

• Becoming overly cautious in new relationships

Professional Toll

• Diminished creativity or confidence

• Struggles with boundaries in work environments

• Burnout from over-delivering

• Imposter syndrome is creeping in

  
  

My Turning Point

In the early days of my practice, I attracted clients who didn’t want growth; they wanted relief. Fast, free, constant relief. They praised me, drained me, and disappeared until they needed a fix again.

I would finish some sessions exhausted and unsure of my gift.

Then a mentor said something that cracked me open:

"You’ve mistaken your calling for a rescue mission. Not everyone’s crisis is yours to carry, and not everyone’s healing requires your burnout."

That changed everything. I began to honour my energy as much as I honoured theirs.

The Sacred Act of Boundaries

Setting boundaries isn’t rejection, it’s protection, and not just for you, but for everyone around you, because boundaries teach others to take responsibility for their healing.

How to Set Powerful, Compassionate Boundaries

Ask before and after any interaction:

• How did I feel before?

• How do I feel during?

• How do I feel after?

• Am I feeling nourished or depleted?

Ask yourself:

• Do they ask how you’re doing?

• Are they available when you need support?

• Can they celebrate your wins without making it about them?

• Do they honour your time and energy?

Notice:

• Do they show up only in crisis?

• Do they disappear when you're low?

• Are they consistent even when nothing is "happening"?

• Do they follow through?

How This Shapes My Work at Kajal’s Wellness Tree

With Couples

I guide partners to:

• Identify when emotional extraction is damaging intimacy

• Express needs without emotional blackmail

• Develop emotional safety through clear boundaries

• Heal codependent loops

  
  

With Families

I help families:

• Break intergenerational patterns of emotional misuse

• Redefine what support means

• Communicate without overburdening each other

• Honour individual healing journeys

  
  

With Individuals

I work with clients to:

• Recognise and heal from extractive relationships

• Build emotional strength and boundary confidence

• Reconnect with healthy, reciprocal dynamics

• Rewrite the narrative of overgiving

  
  

Know the Red Flags

Immediate Warnings:

• Love-bombing followed by subtle demands

• Compliments that feel calculated

• Always talking about themselves

• Vague discomfort after talking to them

Ongoing Patterns:

• Guilt-tripping when you say no

• Withdrawing support when you're not available

• Copying your identity or style

• Reappearing when you're in the spotlight

Critical Alerts:

• Undermining your other relationships

• Sabotaging opportunities

• Publicly or privately turning people against you

• Threatening self-harm to keep you close

Compassion Without Martyrdom

You can love someone deeply and still walk away.

You can feel empathy without fixing them.

You can offer kindness without handing them the keys to your nervous system.

Not every healing journey needs your energy to fuel it, not every crisis is yours to hold. You are allowed to protect your peace.

Moving Forward: Your Energy Is Not Public Property

Your energy is not a donation.

Your heart is not a dumping ground.

Your wisdom is not a resource for the emotionally irresponsible.

Those who deserve your light will protect it with you. They will:

• Honour your no

• Respect your time

• Applaud your growth

• Stay consistent

• Offer support when you're the one in need

  
  

Ready to Take Your Power Back?

If you’re navigating boundary fatigue, recovering from extractive relationships, or simply ready to build stronger, healthier emotional habits, I’m here to support you.

At Kajal’s Wellness Tree, I offer one-to-one coaching, couples sessions, and healing modalities that include:

• Boundary re-training

• Nervous system regulation

• Trauma-informed relationship work

• Chakra realignment and energy healing

• Emotional resilience coaching

Let’s begin your journey toward an empowered, authentic connection.

👉 Book your consultation now

Kajal Mehta is a certified relationship and breakup coach, holistic wellness therapist, and founder of Kajal’s Wellness Tree. Through years of personal transformation and client work, she offers a deeply compassionate, spiritually-rooted, and psychologically-informed approach to healing relationships with others and with yourself.

Connect with Kajal:

• 🌐 Website: www.wellnesstree.uk

• 📧 Email: kajal.wellnesstree@gmail.com

• 📱 Instagram | Facebook | LinkedIn: @kajalwellnesstree